Intro ~ The bitter end

“Daddy… What’s heaven like?”

I remember asking my father that question one night long ago, before he left us and sent mom into a permanent, drug-induced stupor. I couldn’t have been more than four years old. He looked away from the cheap little television and shrugged, beer spilling from the aluminum can in his grubby hands.

“I don’t know baby-girl. Nobody does.” He mumbled in his gruff voice, before turning his attention back to the football game.

Funny how I remembered that specific memory, considering I would be finding out soon enough. Or maybe I’d go to hell. That wouldn’t surprise me either.

I wasn’t exactly a good kid. But what did you expect? No father, a mom who would disappear for days at a time, a trashed house and “ne’er do well” friends. I always thought hard drugs or drinking would kill me, not a stupid car crash. Well, I was driving drunk, so I guess it was drinking. At least I was the one dying, not the mother and son who I hit. I was knocked out on impact, and judging by the burns and blisters decorating my skin, my car had caught fire shortly after. The other car was a little battered, but they were fine. They wore seat-belts. They were peachy-keen.

Not even a scratch.

I could see my body. I knew I was dead. But I could see everything. It was black and white, and yet a vast spectrum of colors danced behind my eyes.. Well I didn’t have eyes. I was still in my body, but simultaneously I was in every corner of the room at once, like one of those 360 degree surveillance cameras that would catch me shoplifting at the local mall. I could see how damaged my body was, but I couldn’t feel it. I was floating, weightless.

Earlier some nurses had come in and slipped me out of my bloody hospital gown, cleaned most of my body with a washcloth, and put me in something more suitable for the morgue. I heard them mumble something about a brain hemorrhage and disconnecting me from life support. They couldn’t contact my mother, which didn’t surprise me, and went ahead and unhooked me. They said my heart had already stopped beating, but my brain would remain active for almost another 15 minutes.

I saw them adjust my hands and lay them across my chest.

I wished they had cleaned up my face. It was the only thing untouched by the nurses.

I looked at my empty shell, my seventeen year old drug abused body, for what seemed like an eternity. Examining my over-the-counter-dyed hair, burned and bruised skin, half closed eyes and downturned mouth, I thought of what this body had gone through, how it should be seventy years old, not seventeen. I should have been sad, devastated even, that I was dying, but I wasn’t. There was noting here on earth for me. There never had been.

Eventually the nurses and doctors came back in.

“She should be gone, Doctor.” I heard one say

“I’ll measure the brain activity.” A solemn woman stuck a little pad, connected to a wire, on the back of my head, towards the base of my skull. A machine next to me flickered to life and small waves danced across the screen;

They were getting smaller and shorter each time.

As the waves on the screen began to flatten, my “vision,” or whatever it was, began to brighten. Everything took on a glowing whiteness about it, like sunlight on snow, and it got uncomfortably bright. I wanted to look away, but I couldn’t. The light was everywhere: In the room, in my mind, in my soul. I felt like my entire consciousness was being swallowed by the sun. I could barely see what was happening around me, and could only make out rough edges. Right before the line on the screen flattened out completely, I felt a nurse take my stiff, cold hand.

Daddy…

“I’m sorry we couldn’t save you dear.” She whispered

I began to float.

Up, down, backwards, forwards, all at once.

Daddy…

I couldn’t see. I was drifting through the sun, snowblind, ever-expanding across the universe. I became aware of a ring on my finger. I hadn’t been wearing it when I got dressed this morning.

Daddy…

I felt as if I was nearing the endpoint, the climax of my journey, where something or someone was waiting for me. Everything got even brighter, which I hadn’t known was possible. I wanted to cry out, to shield my eyes from the terrifying beauty of my ascending spirit, before my very existence burst into the same dazzling light.

I suddenly felt solid ground beneath my body.

I realized I had a body again.

I felt the brightness behind my eyes begin to fade, and it was no longer unbearable.

I felt warm sunlight bathe my body.

I felt whole again, and knew my injuries were gone.

Slowly, and very carefully, I opened my eyes.

I rubbed the lingering brightness from them, and looked around.

“Daddy… What’s heaven like?”